My life is awesome
My life is awesome. Let's face it. It's not like I'm bragging. I'm just true. I have the coolest computer company in the world, which I totally started in my garage, all by myself. I invented the friggin iPod, OK? Have you heard of it? I thought so. And I have a totally cool house and no, you cannot come over, in fact you cannot even know where my house is located, and I have so much money that I can't even remember how much of it there is, but it's a lot, not that I care, because I don't, I could wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills and not even care, that's how little I care about money. And in fact I actually did that once. The ass thing, I mean. Seriously. I used to feel guilty about how much money I have because there is just so friggin much of it, but one day I was meditating and I'm sitting there moaning my syllable or whatever and it occurs to me that, Shit, man, guilt is just, like, this huge energy blocker and it's just so totally negative and it just really frigs up your creativity, which is what I'm all about, in fact, is the creativity. So then I just opened my eyes and came out of my trance and I said, out loud, in this really booming voice, to this imaginary like critic guy that I imagined was standing there criticizing me for having too much money or whatever, I just shouted right at him, as loud as I could: Frig you, ass-munch, because I'm smarter than you, and I deserve this. And you know that? It felt friggin great. It was liberating. Two days later I woke up and invented iTunes. True story.
You may have noticed that I am in magazines and newspapers all the time and yes that is 2cool2Btrue but what you may not know is that in addition to running a computer company, in my spare time I also run ... a friggin movie studio. Yeah, that's right, and you know what it's called? It's called ... wait for it ... Disney. Heard of it? Yeah, I thought so. Plus, I'm an orphan, and I dropped out of college, and my biological sister is like this famous artsy novelist, and I once had a very rare form of cancer, but I totally survived. Some people say I'm an egomaniac, but you know what I say to that? Wouldn't you be, if you woke up one day in my body and realized you were me? Damn right.
So welcome to my blog. I'm tired of all these other idiots doing their half-assed Apple blogs and publishing leaked information which anyway is wrong most of the time and so I figure what the heck, I'll do my own blog and if you really want to know what we are doing at Apple you can check in here and get the word straight from the genius's mouth. So check it out. Tell your friends. You never know what you'll find. Maybe I'll write a poem. Or a haiku. Or a song. Or a love letter. Whatever. I'll do what I want, whenever I want, and speak the truth. As my friend Bono would say: Listen up, all y'all, cause S-to-the-Jizzle be comin atcha now wif da mad troof, bringin it, for real. Respect.
And ladies? I know it's a hot picture, but no love letters, okay? I'm married. Sorry. Black armbands will be distributed for those who want to mourn. Teehee. Just kidding. I'll do ya, shortie. Just be sure to send a photo if you really want to get my attention, know what I mean?