I don't carry money
Money, I mean actual paper money and coins, is such a ridiculous concept when you think about it. Which is why I stopped carrying it. It's so 19th century or something. And credit cards? Why should I need to carry a piece of plastic with me to make a purchase? It's a number. Right? One number, I carry it with me in my head, and I buy things. Is that so hard to understand? Last week I was in a Starbucks and the girl let me pay by signing my name to a napkin. I mean, like I was friggin Picasso in some cafe, paying with a sketch on a place mat. It was friggin awesome and this girl, who was super hot and like 19 years old, so totally wanted me, I could have done her right there. No lie.