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Sunday, February 04, 2007

John Doerr's new company

Do you realize John Doerr now has a company called "My Asshole"???? Seriously. Check it out here. And like, okay, I see the accent mark, but whatever, I just hope it's not a category name next time Sean Connery is on Celebrity Jeopardy. And come on. Do you mean to tell me of all the possible names in the world, they couldn't come up with something that every teenage boy in the world wouldn't immediately make into a joke? Like did nobody on the team kinda look at the name and go, like, Uh, hey, dudes, we might have like a problem here or something. My theory is that they hired a consultant to develop the name and actually paid a boatload of money for it, and that the consultant was somebody who got burned by KP on some other deal, like cheated out of some shares on the Google IPO or something, and this was their way of getting revenge. Anyhoo, on the way out of the Clinton meeting I'm walking out with T.J. Rodgers, who by the way is a total right-wing dick but also a totally great dude, and I couldn't resist, since Doerr was standing there all shattered cause he really really wants to be Secretary of State or something. So I go, Hey, John, how's that company MyAsshole working out? He shakes his head and goes, Steve, it's pronounced mee-ah-soh-LAY. And I go, Seriously? Man cause it looks just like MyAsshole. I thought maybe it was a spin-off from MySpace or something. And T.J. goes, Yeah, is Ben still the CEO there? Ben Dover? Or is that pronounced Ben Do-VAIR? Doerr just smiles his tight little weasel smile and goes, Thanks for coming, guys. And when I got to the JobsMobile, no lie, somebody had keyed my door. Dick.

Bono is a class act

True story. One night Bono and I are driving up the 280 at like two in the morning in a rainstorm and this guy in a giant Lexus kind of swerves as he's changing lanes, and almost hits us. Bono has got like this total Irish temper and plus he's had a few and he's like, Fook this, mate, I'm gonna stick this fooking Aston Martin up this fooker's arse! So he floors it and in like a nanosecond we're right on this guy's rear bumper with our high beams on and then, I can't believe it, Bono hits the guy. Just a tap, the first time, but we're going about eighty and the Lexus starts fishtailing on the wet highway and the guy is freaking out, waving his arms, like Hey, what the frig! Bono starts cackling and he says, Hows dat fer a little taste of death, eh boyo? Then he pegs it and hits the guy again, harder this time, and then again, really smashing him, and the back of the Lexus crumples up like a tin can.

But here's the kicker. We all pull over. The guy gets out, and he's like got blood coming out of his eye sockets he's so pissed. And then we open our doors and he sees who we are. It takes him like a few seconds to register it. Then he's like, "Wait a minute, aren't you -- and aren't you --" And we're just standing there, like, Uh huh, yup, that's right, and don't you feel like the world's biggest turd right now? And he's all like, Dude, you scared the shit out of me! Ha! You guys are awesome! And like I'm soooo sorry about cutting you off, seriously, if I'd known, you know, who you were or whatever. And Bono says, Well, tink about dat next toim yer cuttin off some bloke and you don't know who it is, right? Could be Jesus. Or Boutros Boutros-Ghali or sumfin.

The guy gives him this look, like Boutros who? Bootsie Collins? Huh? Friggin American, probably doesn't know what the World Bank even is. Thinks it's some band from South Africa or something. So he says, Seriously, whatever, dudes, I'm just totally sorry. And this is how totally classy Bono is. He goes over and shakes the guy's hand, the rocker handshake with the thumbs up, and he says, It's cool, man, seriously, apology accepted. And then Bono goes, Hey, look, and hands this guy his own personal iPod, the U2 model, in black. You keep it, he says. The guy looks at it for a second and he's like, No friggin way. Like he just got a Cadillac from Elvis or something.

That's who Bono is. He takes a moment that could turn ugly and he makes it into something really beautiful. That's just how his processor is wired, you know? Class act. Totally.