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Friday, August 11, 2006

Dude, you make it too easy


So every once in a while, usually when I've smoked a little too much weed and I'm feeling kind of malicious, I like to crank call old Agent Sculley and just frig with his head. I'll call him at like 3 in the morning and ask him if he's got Prince Albert in a can, or I'll tell him I'm a telemarketer raising money for the Unemployed CEO Foundation, or I'll do the one where I pretend I work for the phone company and I'm down at the end of his street and please don't pick up the phone cause if you do I'll get shocked, then I call back and when he picks up I scream like I'm being shocked and I go, "Ow! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Hey! I told you not to pick up the phoooooone!!! G-g-g-g-g-g ... aaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!"

But last week I outdid myself. I called him in the evening, right after dinner. I was totally baked but whatever. I asked him if he wanted to come in and talk to us about running Apple again. "Like, dude, I know we've had our differences, but I'm so busy with the Pixar and Disney stuff, I can't do both jobs, I'm burning out, blah blah, so we really need you, I'm begging you, please, why don't you just come in and talk to the board, just hear what we have to say." The poor suffering idiot hasn't had a real job since we tossed him out in 1993 and so of course he falls for it and comes bounding in yesterday morning, all dressed up in his snazzy suit for his big comeback moment, like he's probably been up all night jizzing all over himself just thinking about being CEO of Apple again -- only when he gets to reception they tell him that nobody is expecting him, there's no board meeting, and they totally pretend that they've never heard of him, don't recognize his name, and they tell him I'm not even on the campus, I'm in China or something, even though really I'm up in the Jobs Pod with Jon Ive and we're just like totally watching the whole thing and laughing our asses off. Ha! You been punked, bitch! He totally knew it too and for a long time he just stared up at the security camera giving me the finger. Then he stomped out, looking like he was going to cry. We switched to the camera feed from the parking lot and saw him slumped in his Mercedes for like ten minutes, just staring out into space. Priceless.

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