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Friday, August 11, 2006

Leak this, you motherfriggers

Our "marked fiver" plan is working perfectly. Check out the big "scoops" that the shizzlehead "Nick DePlume" (aka Nick DeJagoff) at ThinkSecret ran today. First about us renting movies (er, right, as if) and then about a new iPod nano. This guy just prints anything, doesn't he? Man oh man. My fave is this one where he claims he is separating fact from fiction. Whatever, loser. Anyhoo, just to keep everyone in the loop, yes, we know exactly which traitors at Apple leaked these bogus rumors. We were very careful to do only one rumor per person. And we really went all out. We printed up fake marketing brochures, fake spec sheets, fake little plastic machines. We made it all look so real. By end of day today, right after we blow out our numbers on our earnings report, we'll have each one of these bastards strapped to his very own Marathon Man dentist chair. And hey, leakers, if you're thinking about sneaking out of the building, fuggedaboutit. Maybe you noticed those swarthy Israeli-looking dudes with sunglasses and earbuds standing at every doorway on your way in this morning? We're serious about this, okay? Do you people realize who you're dealing with? I'm Steve Jobs, bitch. I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it? I also spent two years in the Israeli Defense Forces, as a commando. Lot of people don't know that. Now will someone please get me a friggin herbal tea, at exactly 165 degrees? Thank you.

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