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Friday, August 11, 2006

Bono, call me when you sober up

So Bono calls me last night. Hammered. Of course. And sobbing. Says he's just seen this stupid Al Gore movie about global warming and he's freaking out. Oh, Steve, he says, you should see the poor polar bears. Drownin! We gotta do sumfin, like have a concert or whatever. So I tell him, hey, first of all, a real polar bear would bite your friggin head clean off and eat you alive, they're not exactly these cuddly little animal friends that Al Gore probably told you they are. And secondly, you know, not to sound condescending or whatever, because definitely I'd like to go plan a little charity concert with you, but, like, I'm kind of busy these days, cause, like, I shouldn't tell you this, but I'm putting the finishing touches on a new video iPod that holds four and a half hours of full motion video. And all the Hollywood studios are on board. I mean this is order-of-magnitude, change-the-world kind of stuff. Like one day you wake up and you're living in a world where you can carry two full-length movies in your pocket. Think about that.

So Mr. Bono the Rockstar goes, Jaysus! Another fookin iPod? Are you fookin shittin me? Jaysus, Mary and Joseph, you're like Willy fookin Wonka in his fookin chocolate factory, out there baking up your fookin iPods, and meanwhile the fookin planet is fookin meltin, ya fooktard. I tell him, Bono, look, we all gotta do what we do, right? You wouldn't call up Picasso and ask him to stop painting so he could work on global warming, would you? You wouldn't call up Gandhi or Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela (who totally loved our new 21-inch iMac) and say, Hey, put aside that human rights stuff and come save some penguins on the Greenland ice cap, right? Bono informs me that there are no penguins on the Greenland ice cap, they're all down on the South Pole or whatever, like he's Mr. Ecology Expert now that he snoozed through some movie. Then he gets all pissed off and starts calling me an eejit and telling me I should be putting all of Apple's profits into some fund to save the planet, so I do what I always do when I want to drive someone totally nuts, I just go totally like zen on him, I get all calm, and I say, Riiiight, grasshopper, let me just run that one past the board of directors. Then I go, Hey man, I'm going into a tunnel, man, oh shit, can you hear me? Zzzzzzh. Zzzzzzzzh. But apparently he's not as drunk as I thought cause he goes, Douchebag, I'm calling you on your home phone, remember? But I go, Oh, what? Mmmmm ... can't hear ... zzzhhhzzhh ... what? You there? Can you hear me? Zhhhzhhh ... Hey I'll call you back, okay?

Bono, I'm telling you this cause I'm your friend. You need to get a grip, dude.


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