Larry Ellison, look into your soul

The gigantic yacht. The World Cup sailboats. The fighter jets. The Japanese palace. The giving money to Harvard then taking it back. The guy has penis issues, right? (Trust me on this. We belonged to the same gym, back in the 80s. People used to make jokes.) And what is up with this plastic surgery? Larry, you're 61 years old and you look like friggin Keanu Reeves. (Who I totally happen to know, by the way.) Dude. I feel your pain. We're both orphans, remember? But you need to look inside. At your soul. Okay? Not your penis. I'm saying this because I love you, man. Truly. Larry, you need help. I'm gonna send you an iPod with Tuvan throat singers preloaded. Put on your headphones, close your eyes, and let yourself just be. Peace out--