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Friday, August 11, 2006


This just happened and I'm still soooo pissed. Like at 3 or 4 this morning I'm out cruising on the 101 in the JobsMobile trying to brainstorm something for a certain product that we're about to announce to the whole friggin world in like three friggin weeks and we still don't have it ready ... anyway I do this sometimes just to get my head together. And I get pulled over. This total CHPs guy. Says I'm going eighty. I'm like, Dude, maybe you didn't notice, but I'm in a Maserati Quattroporte, which can go like 180 miles per hour, so, uh, like going eighty is like standing still, okay? I mean it's not like I'm in some Volkswagen Golf and I'm gonna blow a gasket or something. So then the guy gets all pissy and wants to see my license and I'm like, Dude, I don't have it. But do you really not know who I am? Did you not see the license plate? (Which says STVJOBS, kinda hard to miss that, right?) He tells me to step out of the car. I'm like, Bitch, I'm Steve Jobs. I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it? Next thing I know I'm flat on the pavement, face down, hands cuffed behind my back. I don't want to relive the whole experience but let's just say that it involved a few unpleasant hours spent in a police station holding cell and a small army of Apple lawyers and finally a phone call from the Governator himself (who happens to be a HUGE fan of Final Cut Pro and is making Terminator 4 entirely on Macs). The good news is that while sitting in my cell, meditating and humming my syllable or whatever, I totally had a breakthrough and realized how we could eliminate an unnecessary button on the user interface of this as-yet-unannounced product by combining two function sets into a click and double-click arrangement. And to all you CHPs guys: Yeah, that really was Arnold, and he really is a friend of mine, and now he's got your names on a list. Enjoy your new career as shopping mall security guards, frigtards. Remind me to send you each a flaming Dell laptop as an early Christmas present.


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