Caution: This video contains cartoon violence

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!Someone made this and sent me a link. Much love, Mariano. I think.

Loyalty matters

(ORIGINALLY POSTED IN SUMMER 2006)

So Al Gore calls me cause he's heard about the meeting with the Clintstones and he says he knows all the crap that Hillary was saying about him. And he just sighs and goes, in this really sad voice, Well, Steve, it's been great being on your board, I mean it, and I really thank you for giving me the opportunity, and for the free Powerbooks and everything, seriously. You're a great guy. Seriously.

And I'm like, Al, what are you talking about? He goes, Well, all that stuff she told you, you know, about the hospitals, the medications, the straitjackets, well, that's all true. Yeah. I'm wacky as a dime watch, Steve. Seriously. I've been battling this stuff all my life. I figured you'd find out sooner or later. To be honest I'm kind of surprised you didn't find that out when you did the background check. And I'm like, Al, we didn't do a background check, cause I mean, you were the friggin Vice President, right? What's to check? You had your finger on the button, for Pete's sake. And he goes, Yeah, that's kinda scary when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, man, there were times when I just got so down, I mean really down, and I just wanted to go in there and blow up the friggin world, I'm not kidding. Almost did it a couple of times but they caught me sneaking in. And this whole global warming thing? It's a crock. Tipper got me into it figuring I needed something to do after I got my ass beat by that chimp Bush. So fine. Put together some Powerpoint slides, go on the road, keep me busy. My doc said okay as long as I had some supervision. Said the public speaking would be reparative. Whatever. But then the whole thing just snowballed out of control. I mean people started believing this crap. Man. Now these morons like Markos Moulitsas are pushing me to run for president. Meanwhile, old Hillary Rodham Corleone already sat me down and showed me the dossier they got on me, and told me if I dare run against her she'll make sure I'm roommates with Jimmy Hoffa, if you know what I mean, and believe me, man, that babe ain't kidding. Not at all.

He sighs and goes, So anyway, thanks for putting me on your board for a while. It really cheered me up. It's been real fun, honest. I enjoyed it. And I got to hang out with Bono and people like that, which is pretty cool. You know, for a short time I actually felt like I mattered again. Like life was worth living. So anyway, we'll just work it out somehow, I'll resign over the Labor Day weekend or something and say it's cause I'm really busy with the Greenpeace bullcrap or something, okay?

And I'm like, Hey, Al -- don't you even think about that. That's not how SPJ rolls, brother. You're on my board and that's it. He sniffs and goes, You mean it? I'm like, Al, you're my bud. I don't care about this other crap. You're my bud. And I'll tell you someting else, you are gonna run for president, and you know what? You're gonna win. He goes, Aw, come on, now you're talking crazy, you're nuttier than me! And I go maybe I am, buddy, maybe I am, and we both kinda laugh, and I go, I guess maybe we're both a little wacky, right? Maybe you gotta be to do what we do. Whatever. We're in this together, brother. I'm serious. So. We square? He says, Yeah, we're square. I go, You're staying on the board? You betcha, he says. Thanks again, man. Don't thank me, I say. Okay. Okay. Gotta go. I love you, man. Talk soon.

Then as soon as we hung up I called Jerry York on his private line. He's out in Las Vegas staying in Kirk Kerkorian's penthouse on top of some casino. He picks up and goes, Yeah. I go, You know who this is? He goes, Yeah. I say, We got a problem with Mr. Green. You know the guy I'm talking about? He goes, Yeah. I go, So? He goes, We'll get back to you, and hangs up.

John Doerr's new company

Do you realize John Doerr now has a company called "My Asshole"???? Seriously. Check it out here. And like, okay, I see the accent mark, but whatever, I just hope it's not a category name next time Sean Connery is on Celebrity Jeopardy. And come on. Do you mean to tell me of all the possible names in the world, they couldn't come up with something that every teenage boy in the world wouldn't immediately make into a joke? Like did nobody on the team kinda look at the name and go, like, Uh, hey, dudes, we might have like a problem here or something. My theory is that they hired a consultant to develop the name and actually paid a boatload of money for it, and that the consultant was somebody who got burned by KP on some other deal, like cheated out of some shares on the Google IPO or something, and this was their way of getting revenge. Anyhoo, on the way out of the Clinton meeting I'm walking out with T.J. Rodgers, who by the way is a total right-wing dick but also a totally great dude, and I couldn't resist, since Doerr was standing there all shattered cause he really really wants to be Secretary of State or something. So I go, Hey, John, how's that company MyAsshole working out? He shakes his head and goes, Steve, it's pronounced mee-ah-soh-LAY. And I go, Seriously? Man cause it looks just like MyAsshole. I thought maybe it was a spin-off from MySpace or something. And T.J. goes, Yeah, is Ben still the CEO there? Ben Dover? Or is that pronounced Ben Do-VAIR? Doerr just smiles his tight little weasel smile and goes, Thanks for coming, guys. And when I got to the JobsMobile, no lie, somebody had keyed my door. Dick.

Bono is a class act

True story. One night Bono and I are driving up the 280 at like two in the morning in a rainstorm and this guy in a giant Lexus kind of swerves as he's changing lanes, and almost hits us. Bono has got like this total Irish temper and plus he's had a few and he's like, Fook this, mate, I'm gonna stick this fooking Aston Martin up this fooker's arse! So he floors it and in like a nanosecond we're right on this guy's rear bumper with our high beams on and then, I can't believe it, Bono hits the guy. Just a tap, the first time, but we're going about eighty and the Lexus starts fishtailing on the wet highway and the guy is freaking out, waving his arms, like Hey, what the frig! Bono starts cackling and he says, Hows dat fer a little taste of death, eh boyo? Then he pegs it and hits the guy again, harder this time, and then again, really smashing him, and the back of the Lexus crumples up like a tin can.

But here's the kicker. We all pull over. The guy gets out, and he's like got blood coming out of his eye sockets he's so pissed. And then we open our doors and he sees who we are. It takes him like a few seconds to register it. Then he's like, "Wait a minute, aren't you -- and aren't you --" And we're just standing there, like, Uh huh, yup, that's right, and don't you feel like the world's biggest turd right now? And he's all like, Dude, you scared the shit out of me! Ha! You guys are awesome! And like I'm soooo sorry about cutting you off, seriously, if I'd known, you know, who you were or whatever. And Bono says, Well, tink about dat next toim yer cuttin off some bloke and you don't know who it is, right? Could be Jesus. Or Boutros Boutros-Ghali or sumfin.

The guy gives him this look, like Boutros who? Bootsie Collins? Huh? Friggin American, probably doesn't know what the World Bank even is. Thinks it's some band from South Africa or something. So he says, Seriously, whatever, dudes, I'm just totally sorry. And this is how totally classy Bono is. He goes over and shakes the guy's hand, the rocker handshake with the thumbs up, and he says, It's cool, man, seriously, apology accepted. And then Bono goes, Hey, look, and hands this guy his own personal iPod, the U2 model, in black. You keep it, he says. The guy looks at it for a second and he's like, No friggin way. Like he just got a Cadillac from Elvis or something.

That's who Bono is. He takes a moment that could turn ugly and he makes it into something really beautiful. That's just how his processor is wired, you know? Class act. Totally.

Hangin out

Here's a shot of me trying out this awesome new upside-down back-stretcher thing that I just bought and man it is soooo sparking my creativity. I'm in it for eight to ten hours a day, and go home feeling completely refreshed. Jonathan Ive has been doing all his work in one of these for years -- maybe that's why he can "think different," eh? -- and he has been bugging me for like forever to try one. I'll admit I was pretty skeptical plus I didn't want the hassle of having to rearrange my office and put all the iMacs and desks and phones upside down. But now that I've switched there's no going back. Seriously. I can't recommend it enough. I really think this is going to be huge, like people are going to redesign entire office parks around this. It's that much better in terms of productivity.

Look into my eyes

Folks, this may be my last post before I go into seclusion and start my 24 hour fast leading up to the keynote. But before I go, I want to assure you, there is nothing to worry about. Okay? The one thing I don't want is to have this crazy options thing hanging over the entire WWDC. So I've devised a little program to help us all clear our minds. Here's how it works. Get out your photograph of me, or if you don't have one yet (shame on you) you can use the one I've included here. (Just make sure you read, understand and fully comply with the Usage Agreement that applies to all images of me.) Prop the photograph up on your desk, or make it your screen saver, and then lean back in your chair and look into my eyes, just look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes ... and say to yourself, Steve is Apple, Apple is good, Steve is Apple, Apple is good, and as you feel yourself becoming more and more relaxed, imagine yourself being transported to the Moscone Center, and this entire options issues is packed up tightly into a little tiny box, and it's far, far away, way over in the corner, and it's a smelly box, stinky and smelly and you don't even want to get close to it or even look at it ... because right over here, look over here, not over there but over here, right here on a gleaming, shiny, extremely clean Danish-style table of blonde wood and brushed aluminum, right in front you, we have arranged an incredible assortment of insanely exciting new products ... like a new video iPod with a huge screen for watching full-length movies ... and a new cell phone that lets you, uh, make phone calls, but has an Apple logo on it, very cool ... and then, beyond that, as far as the eye can see, rows and rows of new iMacs and new MacBooks, all brand new and glowing and running super-fast Intel Core Duo processors with loads of new Apple software programs, and they're all waving softly in the breeze, like rows of poppies, that's right, poppies ... mmmm, that's good, just keep looking right here, into my eyes, and see the shiny table full of insanely beautiful products and now, behind the table, see these cool beautiful Apple genius type people, in black T-shirts, smiling and clapping, so clap and cheer along with them, they're beckoning to you to come closer, come closer and join us and be happy forever.

Feel better now? I know I do. So whattaya say? Let's push away the negative thinking, and make this the best Worldwide Developers Conference ever. Peace out.

So Michael Sitrick calls

And he goes, You know who I am. You know what I do. I'm the best there is, and I charge a fortune. But you get what you pay for. Don't worry. You'll call me. They always do.

So Brent Schlender calls

And he’s like, Uh, hey, Steve, uh, ya know what, turns out they’re gonna hold that story, I guess it’s for space reasons, they ran out of pages or, uh, something like that, so it won’t be running on the next cover like I said, but, uh, I’m hoping maybe it’ll get used in another edition or something, maybe we can cut it down a bit and run it as a brief or something, which is too bad cause I loved the cover headline. Steve Jobs Is God and Apple Is the Best Company Ever. Man that was gonna sell some copies on the newsstand, if you ask me. We had that opening you wanted, with me saying that I’m riding in your car with you and I’m saying how cool you look in sunglasses and how you remind me a little bit of Jesus. Anyway. Sorry. Talk to you soon.

So Peter Oppenheimer calls

And he goes, Buddy, I just went out to my car and just as I got there two guys scrambled out from underneath it and took off running. You wouldn’t happen to know what that’s all about, would you? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Well I’m sending one of your interns down to start it up for me and drive it around to the front of the building, just wanted to let you know.

So Paris DeAguero calls

And he goes, Steve, Steve, just want you to know, dude, that stuff I told you about maybe doing an infomercial with Nick Lachey? Or with Ozzie Osbourne? No worries on that, okay? Cause, uh, we’re just totally booked right now, and the product’s doing really great, and anyway, I appreciate that you love the product but if you want to take that mention down off your site that’s cool too, I understand that. It’s cool. No worries. Anyway, surf’s up. Gotta go. Aloha.

So Michael Dell calls

And he says, Ya know, I can't read so good what with having only one good eye, as you pointed out recently, and also we kinda get the papers a few days late down here in Buttfriggerville, but, ah, from what I can see, and again, granted I got only one good eye, looks to me mebbe thangs ain't looking so good for you these days, either, right? I mean, hell, we coulda put up good numbers too I guess if we left out some of our expenses. Oh well. You need any help restating those numbers, just call. We got some dumbass Texas accountants down here, can straighten your ass out.

So Bill Lerach calls

And goes, Hey, let's test your ESP abilities. I'm thinking of a number between seven hundred million and nine hundred million ... any guesses? Call me and let's do this the easy way.

So Michael Eisner calls

And he’s like, Steve, Steve, Steve, I need your help on something, I’m out in the Hamptons and I’m doing a crossword puzzle here and I’m trying to remember that word that you Eastern religion hippie freaks are always using … what is it? Five letters, begins with K. Kurma? Korma? No, that’s some kind of Indian food. Oh wait. Karma. That’s it, isn't it? Karma? I think that’s it. Great. Whew! But anyway, so what’s new? I’m a little out of touch these days, haven’t been reading the papers, just out here on vacation enjoying myself. Any news on the Disney front? Or at Apple? What’s going on? Heard those iPods are selling like crazy. Good for you, Steve, really. Good for you. Couldn’t be happier for you. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Really. I mean it. You get my drift? Peace out, as the kids say.

So Michael Moore calls

And he says, Look, Steve, I’m standing outside your building with a film crew and your dickhead security goons won’t let me in. Yeah, you, buddy, I just called you a dickhead, so deal with it. Not you, Steve. Sorry. I'm talking to your security goon. Steve, I’m doing this movie about corporations, about this options stuff, I mean people don’t realize how the top half a percent in this country just enrich themselves on the backs of the workers, and I’m standing right here, Steve, okay, I’m right here, and I’m ready to hear your side of it, and I just think you ought to consider what this is gonna look like if you refuse to come down and talk to us, okay? Does the name Dick Clark ring any bells? Or Roger Smith at GM? You’re gonna look like that, Steve, like a corporate bastard. These guys keep giving me this crap about how you’re not even in the building but I know you’re in there. Oh, wait, here comes the PR lady, isn’t this nice, oh this is fantastic, are the cameras rolling? Are we rolling? Good, I want every last drop of this, seriously, it’s pure spun gold. Seriously.

So Mel Gibson calls

And he’s like, Hey, man, I’m sitting here in rehab feeling sorry for myself and then I saw what they’re doing to you and I’m like, You know what? I’m a lucky man. Believe me, I know how it feels to have these bastards hunting you down. Now they’ve got me stuck here in this f-ing rehab place, sitting around playing Monopoly with Tom Sizemore who I guess basically lives here now whenever he’s not on a show. Anyway, just saying hi and don’t let the bastards get you down. Goddamn Jews.

So Lou Gerstner calls

And he goes, Wait a minute, who’s this? Steve? Wait. This is Steve Jobs? Shit. I was calling for Jerry York. Returning his call. Musta got the numbers mixed up. Awkward. Yes. Sorry for this. Sorry to bug you. Wrong number. Bye.

So Tom Mesereau calls

And he goes, I know, I know, I know what you’re thinking. You're thinking, I don’t need representation. Fair enough, everyone thinks that, and I’m just calling to plant a seed. Cause I’m sure you know who I am, and I’m sure you know that I’m pretty darn good at what I do. I mean, the words “Michael Jackson” and “acquitted” aren’t exactly supposed to show up in the same sentence, right? Well it’s nothing for Mesereau the Magnificent! Nothing up my sleeve – presto! You’re acquitted. I’m like David Copperfield. Just look at my hair! And yes, it's real. Do you want to touch it? You know you do. Anyway, just an idea for you to tuck away, I’m thinking in your case we do the Johnnie Cochran strategy, make you sympathetic to the jury, you know, like, If the dude can’t count, then it don’t count. Good stuff, right? Good stuff. So call me.

So Bill Gates calls

And he’s laughing and in that nasal voice of his he goes, Hey, Steve, bummer that this all happened right before the big Worldwide Developers Conference, huh? I mean it kind of takes a little shine off the Apple, right? Man oh man, I’m sorry. I crack myself up sometimes. But I sympathize, Steve. I do. Seriously. I mean, it’s all so random. Like, all this hassle over, what, like 5 million shares or something? Totally random. I mean, what are 5 million Apple shares worth today, like $350 million? Oh, hold on, wait. You know what I just did? I just cut a fart that was worth $350 million, Steve. I mean, really, I did. This is messed up. Anyway, if you need any help, like another bailout or something, Daddy’s right here, just pick up the phone. And hey, a little advice is you should definitely try out the “Yes, I’m the CEO, but I didn’t know what was going on, and I didn’t know it was wrong” defense. Worked pretty good for Ken Lay. Hey, by the way, while I’ve got you on the phone, is it true you had a party with an ice sculpture peeing vodka? That is so classy. What? Oh, right, that was Dennis Kozlowski. Sorry, I get you guys mixed up sometimes. Well, good luck, man. You know everyone in the industry is rooting for you, cause you’ve been so nice to everyone over the years. Really. We’ve all got your back, bro.

So Jerry York calls

And he goes, Kid, I’m in f-ing Macau taking care of something, and I just heard about this, and I know you know what I’m talking about, so kid, what the f- is going on over there? I mean, how many times I gotta tell you? What the f- is wrong with you, kid? And don’t tell me you didn’t know, cause f- that, kid, you think I’m stupid? You think I don’t got people who talk to me? Don’t insult me. I’m flying back tomorrow and I’m gonna come see you, kid, and we’re going to have a talk, okay? I mean a talk talk, capeesh?

So Al Gore calls

And he’s like, Uh, yeah, uh, hi Steve, uh, ya know, I been doing some more thinking and uh, ya know, uh, I know we talked about me staying on the board and all, but you know what, I been thinking about it some more, and I think maybe it probably is a good idea for me to step down after all, cause, I don’t know, I got so much on my plate these days, and, uh, like I’m maybe gonna make a run in 2008 which is pretty much gonna eat up even more of my time, so, uh, we okay on this? You understand? And I just want you to know, I’m not doing this cause I think being on your board is gonna hurt my reputation or something, I think Apple is a fantastic company, so that’s just not what this is about. I’m just way too busy. Really, really, really busy. Okay? I didn’t even know about this SEC thing, honest. Anyway, I’m soooo busy, in fact, hey, I gotta call here, gotta take this, okay, later, gotta run.

Found my friggin iPod

Friggin thing was sitting right in my home office the whole time. Shows you where my head is at right now. It was right on my desk underneath a stack of resumes for the CFO position that we’re going to have to fill soon. Hey, look, someone’s gotta jump on the grenade, and it ain’t gonna be Steve, right? Seriously. I mean, I’m not the one who gave me 5 million restricted shares, am I? People are acting like we’re Enron or something. Folks, we’re making the world a better place, okay? That’s what gets us out of bed in the morning. I mean, I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it? Man, this just bums me out. The phone calls are like pouring in.

Look, I'm no good with numbers

Never have been. Everybody knows that. My last math class was like in the eleventh grade and I got a C. And maybe you don't know this but I didn't exactly study business or finance. I'm not some MBA, okay? So this options crap is such a pain in my butt and I don’t have time for it. But I know the Apple faithful want answers and it's times like these when the cult leader has to reassure the flock, not just lock everybody up in a house like David Koresh and wait for the government to show up with flamethrowers and burn us out, though honestly, if you ever met any of these dicks from the SEC, you'd almost want to do that. So look. Here's the deal. I didn’t even know I had these options or whatever. Then apparently I gave them back and got some restricted stock or something. Who knows? All I know is what our PR people tell me and what I read in the friggin Wall Street Journal, which by the way, we totally did NOT authorize that story this morning, and the a-holes just went ahead and just printed it anyway, just did whatever they wanted. Pisses me off sooo much, I'm serious. And this backdating stuff? I mean what the frig? I don't even know what that means. I have no idea and I don’t want to know. Ask anyone, I’m not into material stuff. I'm up here in the Jobs Pod, barefoot, lying on the floor with a leather-bound sketchbook and a glass of carrot juice listening to Lothar and the Hand People on my iPod Hi-Fi which totally replaced a really expensive stereo system and you can't even tell the difference, it's that good, and for only $349. The thing is, I don’t care about money. Ask anybody who’s ever done business with me. I'm always the guy who gets screwed. I've played poker like twice and got killed. It's just not who I am. I'm all about the creativity. I'm into making beautiful objects. I'm a pop artist. Like Andy Warhol. You think people ever hassled Andy Warhol about friggin stock options? Sheesh. Really. I told this new outside lawyer, Do whatever you want, but leave me out of it. Totally. I've got a friggin keynote in three days. I'm trying to create amazing machines that restore a sense of childlike wonder to people's lives. And now this crap. Whatever.

No luck at Starbucks

Just some friggin high school kids who kept walking up, peering in my window, then egging my car and runnning away. Dicks. Worse than that, though, my stomach is really messed up. Not sure what's wrong. Lots of growling. Kinda thing where you don't know whether to call a doctor or an exorcist. Maybe both. Thinking maybe I should stop the 7 Day Miracle Cleanse, though I don't think you're supposed to quit once you've started or you lose the whole effect or something. Who knows? Oh man. Gotta run. Peace out.

Not funny

Dudes are really playing around with the Jobsmeister on this iPod thing and it is not cool, people. Like the friggen jagoff who sent me this photo of an iPod with my name signed on it in magic marker and a ransom note demanding that Apple dump OS X and license Vista instead. Scoble, did you not realize that we can totally tell that it's you under the baseball cap snapping the photo with your Treo? Duh. And you used a 20GB iPod, which is like I don't know how old, you friggin dumbass. And by the way, yes, we are going to fire your butt-munch brother for this. Seriously, people, I asked for help, not to get bombarded with joke emails from a-holes. Man. Top it off I've got some serious GI woes going on. So please, stop friggin around with the joke mail okay? If you've got my iPod, fine. Let's talk. I'll be at the Starbucks at noon with a very large bag of cash. Until then I'm gonna light some incense and do some chanting and try to get my stomach to calm down. Peace out.

Um, Woz?

You know when I suggested recently that you should "get a grip" and find something valuable to do with your life? Like instead of playing Segway polo? Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. But whatever. And I know you're still pissed about me cheating you on the split of that thousand-dollar bonus back in the 1970s but come on, man. It's me. The Steve-inator. Remember? Call me, bro.

Dude, where's my friggin iPod?

OMFG. Five days before the keynote and my friggin iPod goes missing. And it's got everything on it, the keynote, the slides, the product photos and literature, even Walt Mossberg's rave reviews for next week, which I just finished writing. Dude, this is totally bad, okay? I mean, if this stuff gets out. I'm freaking the frig out. Checked the house, the Jobs Mobile, every inch of the Jobs Pod, retraced my steps, stopped in at the yoga studio. Nada. Zilch. My guess is I dropped it in the bathroom at the Starbucks on Stevens Creek Boulevard during an emergency pit stop (stomach troubles, you don't want to know) and somebody found it and took it. Dudes, if you've got it, or you know someone who does, just get it back to me, no questions asked, and you'll get a reward, I swear. It's easy to spot, since it's got my initials on the back. I'd prefer you didn't go through the files just out of consideration or whatever. But you're only human. I understand. And I'm the bozo who dropped it. I also realize you could probably get a lot of money for the information on that iPod, and I'm willing to consider that when paying the reward. I also realize that for some people it would just be super cool to be able to say you've got El Jobso's personal iPod, show it to your friends, sell it on Ebay or something. But look. I'll make it worth your while. I'll get you as many friggin iPods as you want, or a new iMac or something, plus a huge reward. I'm not going to say how much here, just get in touch and prove you've really got the real one, and we'll talk. And don't think you can just fake my initials on a random iPod and turn it in saying when you found it the drive had been wiped. I know the serial number. But if you're for real, please, work with me. We can meet anywhere you like. Just in case, I'm gonna sit in the parking lot outside that Starbucks today at noon in a black Lexus. If you're the one who found it you'll know which Starbucks. Flash your headlights three times and I'll know it's you. Like I said, no hassles, no questions, no recriminations. You made an honest mistake, and you're making it right. That's cool. You're thinking about your karma. Right on. You'll have a great story to tell your kids or whatever. And, just remember, it's not yours. It belongs to someone else. Someone very, very important who will get very, very upset if you don't give it back. Plus, if you keep it, that's stealing. Kind of. Anyway, dude, be like Spike Lee and do the right thing.

What's the old expression?

Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic? Something like that? Or something like this? Honestly, the whole Microsoft sitch is getting almost painful to watch, isn't it? I mean, there are times when you just gotta feel sorry for those guys, dontcha?

No? Yeah, me neither.

All joking aside

Bono just called. I guess it's looking pretty bad for El Jefe. Bono says he and Kofi Annan are flying to Havana tonight. I wanna be there too but it's just the worst possible time to get away from work, with the keynote coming up in six days. Told Bono to call me when he gets there. If things really get worse I may zip down. Peace out and say an extra prayer tonight, to whichever God you worship.

Loyalty matters

So Al Gore calls me cause he's heard about the meeting with the Clintstones and he says he knows all the crap that Hillary was saying about him. And he just sighs and goes, in this really sad voice, Well, Steve, it's been great being on your board, I mean it, and I really thank you for giving me the opportunity, and for the free Powerbooks and everything, seriously. You're a great guy. Seriously.

And I'm like, Al, what are you talking about? He goes, Well, all that stuff she told you, you know, about the hospitals, the medications, the straitjackets, well, that's all true. Yeah. I'm wacky as a dime watch, Steve. Seriously. I've been battling this stuff all my life. I figured you'd find out sooner or later. To be honest I'm kind of surprised you didn't find that out when you did the background check. And I'm like, Al, we didn't do a background check, cause I mean, you were the friggin Vice President, right? What's to check? You had your finger on the button, for Pete's sake. And he goes, Yeah, that's kinda scary when you think about it, isn't it? I mean, man, there were times when I just got so down, I mean really down, and I just wanted to go in there and blow up the friggin world, I'm not kidding. Almost did it a couple of times but they caught me sneaking in. And this whole global warming thing? It's a crock. Tipper got me into it figuring I needed something to do after I got my ass beat by that chimp Bush. So fine. Put together some Powerpoint slides, go on the road, keep me busy. My doc said okay as long as I had some supervision. Said the public speaking would be reparative. Whatever. But then the whole thing just snowballed out of control. I mean people started believing this crap. Man. Now these morons like Markos Moulitsas are pushing me to run for president. Meanwhile, old Hillary Rodham Corleone already sat me down and showed me the dossier they got on me, and told me if I dare run against her she'll make sure I'm roommates with Jimmy Hoffa, if you know what I mean, and believe me, man, that babe ain't kidding. Not at all.

He sighs and goes, So anyway, thanks for putting me on your board for a while. It really cheered me up. It's been real fun, honest. I enjoyed it. And I got to hang out with Bono and people like that, which is pretty cool. You know, for a short time I actually felt like I mattered again. Like life was worth living. So anyway, we'll just work it out somehow, I'll resign over the Labor Day weekend or something and say it's cause I'm really busy with the Greenpeace bullcrap or something, okay?

And I'm like, Hey, Al -- don't you even think about that. That's not how SPJ rolls, brother. You're on my board and that's it. He sniffs and goes, You mean it? I'm like, Al, you're my bud. I don't care about this other crap. You're my bud. And I'll tell you someting else, you are gonna run for president, and you know what? You're gonna win. He goes, Aw, come on, now you're talking crazy, you're nuttier than me! And I go maybe I am, buddy, maybe I am, and we both kinda laugh, and I go, I guess maybe we're both a little wacky, right? Maybe you gotta be to do what we do. Whatever. We're in this together, brother. I'm serious. So. We square? He says, Yeah, we're square. I go, You're staying on the board? You betcha, he says. Thanks again, man. Don't thank me, I say. Okay. Okay. Gotta go. I love you, man. Talk soon.

Then as soon as we hung up I called Jerry York on his private line. He's out in Las Vegas staying in Kirk Kerkorian's penthouse on top of some casino. He picks up and goes, Yeah. I go, You know who this is? He goes, Yeah. I say, We got a problem with Mr. Green. You know the guy I'm talking about? He goes, Yeah. I go, So? He goes, We'll get back to you, and hangs up.

Check is in the mail, Randall

Dudes, we made the big time. See this story from the Sunday New York Times yesterday? I got plugged after Schwartz. Shoulda been first but oh well. Beats a sharp stick to the eye.

.Mac is having some "issues"

And you guys wonder why I'm blogging on Blogger instead of .Mac? See here. Well I'm sure it's gonna get straightened out soon. Anyhoo, I gotta boogie, it's noon and I'm gonna be late for aromatherapy. Peace out.

So Tony Blair's in town

And friggin Jonathan Schwartz won't shut his pie hole long enough for any of the rest of us get a word in. There's a story on it here that kinda gives you a hint of what it was like, but trust me, it was way worse. I'm sorry, but I gotta say this. Jonathan's got that really dangerous combination of being not very smart yet thinking he's like super, super, super smart, like the smartest person in any room he enters, ya know? I mean, have you read his blog? It's hilarious, but I don't think he means it that way. I mean this guy really, really likes himself. A lot. The ponytail is the giveaway. And God he loves to hear himself talk. Probably it's the McKinsey background. They're all like that. I always wonder what it must be like when a bunch of McKinsey consultants get together for like a barbecue or something, and they're all standing around in their conspicuous eyewear trying to act casual but at the same time trying to show how smart they are. When like, dude, if you're so smart, why don't you start a company instead of working at McKinsey and giving lectures?

Anyhoo here's the money quote from Mr. Ponytail:

"In the U.S. and especially in Silicon Valley, if you have taken a risk and you fail, you in fact become more interesting and potentially more valuable because now you know something," Sun Microsystems' Schwartz told reporters after the meeting.

Yeah so Jonathan that must make you like the most interesting and valuable person in the Valley right about now, huh dude?

Then he tells Blair he should write a friggin blog. Riiight. Like maybe he can post where the British troops are gonna be moving tomorrow or something, or he can make fun of Bush or whatever. I mean by then it was just embarrassing, and we're like wincing and wanting to apologize for the guy, but stupid Jonathan is still lecturing the Prime Minister of the U.K. like Mr. Peabody taking Sherman into the wayback machine, talking about ancient history and the Egyptians and the evolution of technology and the industrial revolution and the invention of the steam engine in England and whatever, and by then Blair is just like openly pulling faces and saying things like, Right, er, um, thanks so much Jon, er, does anyone else have anything?

I'll tell you what I said to Blair. I waited till Schwartz was finished pleasuring himself in public, and then I said, Uh, actually, Sir Tony, all that stuff he just said, that's all wrong, okay? Just pretend you didn't hear it. We only let this dude come today because he pestered the hell out of us and we felt bad for him cause his company is going out of business, and really we all kinda make fun of him behind his back. Schwartz looked sorta hurt so I said, I'm sorry, man, but it's the truth. (Meanwhile Chambers and Ruiz are like shrugging and nodding their heads, as if to say, Well, yeah, you are kind of a frigtard.) So Sir Tony, I say, I know you came here to ask us about risk-taking, but the only thing that matters is making beautiful products that blow people's minds, and you Brits know how to do this already. Look at the Jaguar, the Aston-Martin, the Range Rover. Sure, they're not reliable. But they're works of friggin art. You guys also make totally smokin movies. And music. Like, the friggin Beatles? Hello! Just cause I had a little hassle with them recently doesn't mean I don't love their music cause I do. You might notice the eyeglasses I wear, which are my way of paying tribute to a certain Mr. John Lennon. So you guys are loaded with talent. Look at Austin Powers. And Richard Branson. Talk about risk-takers. Guy called me last week from a friggin space balloon. And Wallace & Gromit? Nick Park, friggin genius, we're trying to get him to work for Pixar. So just apply your creativity to computers. That's all. I mean don't make an iPod clone, cause that's already been done. But like maybe a TiVo clone, or like a really bitchin new smartphone-slash-music-player, or, uh, wait, no, I wouldn't do that one, but anyway there's lots of cool ideas still out there to be explored. Seriously.

It's called a homophone, who knew? And I know what you're thinking, maybe Carson Kressley can do the T-Mobile ad campaign, but don't go there

This story cracks me up. Some doofus at the Chicago Tribune reported that an iPod can last "four years" after hearing our spokesbabe say an iPod can last "for years." I mean, hello? Has anyone ever heard of an iPod lasting four friggin years? Come on. Think about it, people. How are we gonna sell new ones if the old ones don't crap out on schedule? Do you think we're stupid? Man. We say "for years," meaning "more than 12 months." Okay? BTW, I'm so sick of these cheapskates who come into our stores crying and wanting a free replacement cause their poor little iPod crapped out right after the warranty expired. The things don't cost that much, folks. Pony up.

T minus seven days and counting

So I was doing some tai chi in my backyard just now and I realized, man, in like exactly one week I'm gonna be taking the stage in front of the hippest, coolest, tech-savviest audience in the world, and I'm going to blow their friggin minds. That's all I can say at this point. Anyhoo I gotta go cause Larisa, our house manager, says my celery and carrot juice smoothie is ready. Peace out.

Speaking of John Doerr

Do you realize he's now got a company called "My Asshole"???? Seriously. Check it out here. And like, okay, I see the accent mark, but whatever, I just hope it's not a category name next time Sean Connery is on Celebrity Jeopardy. And come on. Do you mean to tell me of all the possible names in the world, they couldn't come up with something that every teenage boy in the world wouldn't immediately make into a joke? Like did nobody on the team kinda look at the name and go, like, Uh, hey, dudes, we might have like a problem here or something. My theory is that they hired a consultant to develop the name and actually paid a boatload of money for it, and that the consultant was somebody who got burned by KP on some other deal, like cheated out of some shares on the Google IPO or something, and this was their way of getting revenge. Anyhoo, on the way out of the Clinton meeting I'm walking out with T.J. Rodgers, who by the way is a total right-wing dick but also a totally great dude, and I couldn't resist, since Doerr was standing there all shattered cause he really really wants to be Secretary of State or something. So I go, Hey, John, how's that company MyAsshole working out? He shakes his head and goes, Steve, it's pronounced mee-ah-soh-LAY. And I go, Seriously? Man cause it looks just like MyAsshole. I thought maybe it was a spin-off from MySpace or something. And T.J. goes, Yeah, is Ben still the CEO there? Ben Dover? Or is that pronounced Ben Do-VAIR? Doerr just smiles his tight little weasel smile and goes, Thanks for coming, guys. And when I got to the JobsMobile, no lie, somebody had keyed my door. Dick.

Complete waste of time

So the big secret meeting. What crap. It was Bill and Hillary Clinton being huge a-holes and trying to shake us down for money. I got there late, cause to hell with getting anywhere early and sitting around waiting, and anyway I figured this was gonna be another one of John Doerr’s stupid meetings where he tries to foist off some stupid Kleiner startup that isn’t working out, like remember Excite At Home? Friggin Doerr actually shopped that to us telling us how great it was and I was like Dude if it’s so great why do you want to sell it, right? And like a week later they went bankrupt. Hey, thanks, dude, I owe you one. Doerr’s house looks like some drug lord’s palace, with a bunch of black armored SUVs and I swear to God a helicopter hovering overhead, and all these ape-looking dudes with the earbuds standing out front, and I’ve been to enough of these things to know what Secret Service guys look like, so I figure this isn’t an M&A thing unless maybe Larry Ellison is involved cause he gets dialogoff on the whole James Bond effect. So the chimps frisk me and find a lighter in my jeans and tell me I gotta leave it with them and pick it up on the way out and I’m like, Well, there goes my plan to torch the place, but whatever. I go inside and there’s little Doerr, all 97 pounds of him, with his too-big eyeglasses and his freako metabolism and his usual stick up his ass.

He takes me to this room where he's got like 30 dudes from the Valley around this big table, like Otellini and Ruiz and Rodgers and a bunch of other chip dudes, plus the Googletards who are playing with Legos, and Ellison, McNealy, Hurd, Barksdale, Andreesen, and a bunch of random VC a-holes who all look amazingly lifelike and absolutely identical, as if they're made in a machine, like cyborgs. In walk the Clintstones with George Soros. No smiles, no small talk. Hillary sits down and tells us in this pissed off Tony Soprano voice that there’s two years till this motherf-ing election but she ain’t gonna f- it up like Kerry and Gore, she’s gonna lock this motherf-er down now, she’s goddamn well gonna win and nobody is gonna get in her way, so we can all either get on the train or get run over by it, and she's here to tell us how much money she wants each of us to put in. She says everybody else pays their share, hell the oil guys pay 5% of net right off the top, meanwhile we're out here making our little chips and paying zilch, and that bullshit is gonna stop right here and right now, okay? And we can all check with George Soros on the way out and he'll tell us how to move the money so it can't be traced, using a bunch of these phony baloney environmental groups.

She goes right around the table and gives everyone their number and what they'll get if they do or don't play ball. Doerr gets oil prices bumped to a hundred bucks a gallon so his green tech fund can make him another billion or two. The Googlefags get net neutrality. McNealy gets a win in the SCO case so Linux gets made illegal. McNealy says he wants a DOJ case on Microsoft again but Hilary says no can do cause Gates is putting up half a billion to buy himself a free pass.

In my case the vig is twenty million bucks -- ya, right! -- and if I go along, the feds buy iMacs for every school system in America, but if I don't, we get the DOJ raping us over the iPod being a closed system. She says, Ya know, Steve, the Frenchies ain't the only ones who can bend you over and put your ass in the air. So I kinda laugh and go, Well, ma'am, thing is I'm planning to endorse Al Gore, if he runs, cause he’s like on my board and he's gonna save the planet from melting or whatever and he's gonna make my pal Bono the head of the Supreme Court or something. She stares at me with this flabbergasted look as if she can't believe that someone else actually dared to speak during the meeting, instead of just genuflecting and doing whatever she tells them, which is I guess what most people do around her, and then she says, in that stupid chipmunk accent of hers, You know, I didn't really come here for a dialogue, I just wanted to give you information and leave, but since you raised the issue, let me reassure you, the world isn't melting, Steve. Honestly. Al made that f-ing movie to scare people, but if you want to know what's really scary, it's the prospect of having that fat retarded hillbilly in the White House. If you only knew how much energy we wasted during eight years of stamping out all his stupid ideas! I mean Kyoto? F- me, seriously. You realize he's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, right? They keep him medicated beyond belief. That's why he talks like that. But every so often he'd go off his meds and cook up some stupid idea and we'd all have to race around and find his shrink and get him shot up with something or other and put back in his straitjacket. Honestly, I swear to Christ, if I'm elected first thing I'm gonna do is have that guy shot in a park like f-ing Vince Foster, I swear to Christ!

So I go, well, like, if Al doesn’t run, then I’m probably going for Jerry Brown. Or Ralph Nader. She says, Stevie, honey, you can endorse Saddam Hussein for all I care, you can go stand out on a street corner wearing a f-ing sandwich board and dance around in your tightie-whities. I just want your f-ing money, pal. Otherwise, like I told your buddy Gates, I get that old bulldyke Janet Reno to hold one of her famous dance parties right on your face, okay? And by the way, what is up with those hippie eyeglasses? There's these things called contact lenses now, have you heard of them?

Now I'm the one who's stunned. I mean nobody makes fun of my John Lennon glasses. Nobody. I mean, seriously. So for a long time I just sit there, staring down at my hands, and I feel like my friggin head is gonna explode or something, and Doerr, who knows how I feel about my glasses, he says, Steve, whatever you're thinking, just let it go, okay? Just let it go. But I can't help myself. I go, Lady, let me tell you something. I grew up in this Valley, OK? And nobody comes into our Valley and talks to us like this, okay? You see the guys in this room? We built the friggin Internet with our bare hands, you understand? Me personally, I've been through hell and back. I got fired from my own company. I survived cancer. Then I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? You want our money, you want to be president, well you come and ask us, nice. You kiss the ring, like everybody else. You got that straight? And by the way, have you heard of Pilates? Cause you’ve got a really big fat lumpy ass. Seriously. It's like two big balloons full of oatmeal. Scary.

Hilary sits there with smoke coming out of her ears. Beside her, I swear, Bill is kinda laughing, or trying not to laugh or whatever. The whole room is silent. Then, way down at the far end of the table, T.J. Rodgers stands up and starts doing a slow clap, all by himself. Then the others join in. Pretty soon the whole room is clapping and shouting, Steve, Steve, Steve -- except for Doerr, of course, and the cyborg VCs who are programmed to do exactly what Doerr does at all times. The Clintstones and Soros make for the door, with Doerr scrambling after them apologizing and begging them not to leave, but Hilary just says, F- you, gerbil, don't call me ever again, and throws us all the finger, but we all just roar laughing and give her the finger right back. Ha! Thanks for coming to California, lady. Come back anytime!

Seriously, dudes, do not vote for her. That's all I'm gonna say. Peace out.

Our tech support rocks

Dudes, sorry for the delay in filing. My MacBook Pro got the heebie-jeebies and crapped out on me. Called customer service on Saturday, yeah right, got put on hold for like forever so finally I got into the JobsMobile and schlepped out to the Apple store at the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto, where the “genius” behind the counter first of all is talking on his cell phone, which friggin drives me crazy, but he tells me it's an emergency cause like his kid got hit by a car or something and I'm like, Dude, are you on break? Then turn off the friggin phone. Finally I just grabbed it from him and shut it off. Worse than that the douchebag cops a tude and tells me to fill out a form describing the problem with the machine. So suddenly the MacBook leaps upward and bashes this frigtard on the head. And I go, Yeah, see, that’s the problem. The sudden leaping up and hitting of frigtards on the head. Can you fix that? Anyhoo. Someone there obtained a clue and got me a new machine. Paramedics came for Dopey the Genius and we sent an assistant manager to ride with him in the ambulance and process his termination paperwork.

So here I am, in a Starbucks, with a beautiful, bitchin brand-new MacBook Pro which I am really excited about, and so far nobody knows who I am. So far. Will try to post again soon if I can get the friggin Airport to stop dropping off the WiFi network, and if I don't get mobbed by screaming groupies, which tends to happen in places like this. Peace out.

This guy totally gets it

Check out this article at eWeek. Totally on the money. We are on the brink of a huge windfall. That's in part thanks to delays in Vista. But also there's something larger going on. People who think of themselves as hip or "techie" see our machines as better, cooler -- a BMW versus a Yugo. The high price actually adds to the allure. Money quote:
With Vista missing the holiday and back-to-school seasons, many customers are buying Macs. A family in my neighborhood has been all PC since the PC XT. But the eldest son is going off to college and says he wants a Mac. It's the vanguard of a new generation gap. He's never owned a Mac but he's gotta have one—a good sign for Apple.

Right on. It's taken 10 years for the message to get through, but it's getting through. Change takes time. But it happens. Peace out.

Finishing touches

So my colorist, Annalisa, was here today to work on my beard and get just the right mix of salt and pepper. I like to get this stuff done a week or so before a big event, so everything has a few days to settle in and look natural. Anyhoo, I was freaking out as usual and Annalisa, I swear she's like my shrink, she says, Steve, calm down, seriously, this year's show is the best I've ever seen from you guys, and I'm not just saying that. I guess she's right. We've got ten days remaining till the keynote and dudes, all I can tell you is, you're gonna be blown away. Seriously. We've got some stuff that's just awesome. Every time one of these shows happens I get in this huge monster panic and think it's all gonna blow up in my face, and then every time, we pull it off. Don't ask me how cause I totally don't even know. Just a great team here I guess. I'm so proud of everyone and the work they're doing. I mean it's like Paris in the Twenties or something. Anyhoo. Botox is tomorrow plus some eyebrow shaping. And that's it. I swear. I'm not going to get all weird and finicky about my appearance this year.

The big secret meeting

All I know is that it's at John Doerr's house and we have to be there at 9 p.m. sharp on Friday. And we should expect to be frisked. Full report as soon as I know anything more. Peace out.

Hello I'm Sergey and I'm full of crap

Google says it will crack down on click fraud. Right. And tobacco companies want you to stop smoking. People, have you not figured this out yet? Google is doing the click fraud, okay? Think about this for like two seconds. Who makes money on click fraud? Have you not noticed that Google is building all these top-secret data centers with no windows on them? Why do you think they work so hard to keep reporters away from them? They've got thousands of people locked up inside those buildings, like gerbils on wheels, doing nothing but click on ads, twenty-four hours a day. (To be fair to Google, they do provide an awesome cafeteria, plus free health care for the inevitable cases of carpal tunnel syndrome.) Meanwhile, over in China, Kai-Fu Lee and a bunch of other ex-Microsofties are cranking out this totally complex Google algorithm that makes it look as if the clicks are coming from legit sources. Why do you think Gates was so pissed when Google hired Lee? Why do you think Ballmer was slamming chairs? Microsoft was cooking up the same click fraud scheme but couldn't pull it off. Now Squirrel Boy has beat Microsoft at its own game. Under the guidance of Lucifer of course. They put gormless Page and Brin out front to distract everyone with their "Don't be evil" choirboy shtick. You think those twits actually do anything other than give interviews and play with Legos? They're too busy shagging babes and fighting over their stupid plane. Page has to wear a helmet when he goes jogging, for Pete's sake. Yet nobody has figured this out. Amazing.

Ultra hush hush

Something big is happening. I just got a call on my private line from someone I can't name telling me to be at a meeting tomorrow night in an undisclosed location here in the Valley. All I know is it's big, like very big, and some very heavy-hitters are going to be there. And as my friend told me, "You don't want to be there, you gotta be there." More info to come later. Stay tuned.

Whoops

So the guy who sells the 7-day Miracle Cleanse, Paris DeAguero, aka the Health Man, contacted me cause someone sent him a link from my blog where I was raving about the product. He's like wired up on a zillion cups of coffee or crystal meth or something and he's like, Steve, Steve, you love the product, right? Right? You love the product? That's great, Steve, that's great, wow, so write me up a testimonial, or I'll write it for you if you want, I wrote the others on the site but don't tell anyone that, anyway, Steve, I'll put your photo on my site, or you can come on the next infomercial maybe, right Steve? We've got Nick Lachey doing one. Can you believe it? Nick Lachey! You guys could do one together, you and Nick, yeah, you and Nick Lachey, wow, right Steve? Amazing, huh? Isn't it amazing? How much younger you feel? How much younger? I mean, wow, right? It's the herbs, Steve, the herbs, that's what does it, the herbs.

So I try to be nice. I'm like, Dude, I like the product. But I can't do an infomercial, and you can't use my name on your site. Okay? He's like, But Steve, Steve, I mean, it's right there on your blog, Steve, I mean, it's out there in the public, how about I just copy what you wrote, or I'll link to it or something, whatever, I know you're busy but help a guy out, cause I mean, Steve, you love the product, right? You do, right? Changed your life, right? So how about this, Steve, maybe we do something with iTunes, maybe we get a connection going there, we put an infomercial on iTunes, or do a podcast or even a video podcast with like some experts and some celebrity endorsers. Whattaya think, Steve? Like Nick Lachey, and don't tell anyone but supposedly we've got Ozzie Osbourne coming on board, poor old guy is so fried out on the drugs he just stays up all night watching infomercials and buys everything, can't stop himself, talk about someone who needs to get the poison out of his large intestine, I mean can you imagine what the lining of Ozzie Osbourne's GI tract must look like, Steve? Can you imagine what's in there? Toxins, parasites, pieces of old license plates. Makes you shiver. But whatever, in our case he says the stuff really works, first time he's ever bought anything on TV that worked as advertised. Beyond that, Steve, do you know what Ozzie told me? Steve, he says he feels ten years younger, just like you, Steve, just like you. So whattaya say? You'll get free supplies, of course, lifetime supply, all you need, Steve, just send me an address or whatever.

Hoo boy. El Jobso has really frigged up this time. On the other hand I am thinking about doing one more 7-day treatment right before the keynote. Just to be totally ship-shape sharp.

Heat wave, yes!

Man it is hotter than the inside of a monkey's butt out here in the Valley. Seriously. If we didn't have our own backup generators we'd be frigged, big-time. I don't know how regular people deal with it. It's so hot I'm not even going outside. I just take the elevator down from the Jobs Pod into the Jobs Cave, then ride my air-conditioned electric train through the tunnel to the Jobs Domicile. So in the middle of all this I get a call from Bono, who's sober for a change, and he goes, Hey man, I'm in London with Al Gore, and you think California is bad you should see it here, all the fookin fields have turned brown from the drought, and the roads are fookin meltin, man. Meltin! Like the fookin tar sticks to your feet! Gore is going out of his mind, he's on this like manic high and can't stop laughing, he's non-stop on the bleedin Treo with his agent getting the latest numbers from his movie, and he's like, No way, no way, no fookin way! Tell the truth he's getting to be a bit of a pain in the arse but whatever. Can you hear him in the background? The shouting? Yeah, that's him. He's watchin footage of some forest fires in Southern California and laughing his arse off. Armageddon! That's what he keeps sayin. Eejit. He says he's gonna be the next president, there's no way he can lose, John Doerr already promised to give him as much money as he needs, so long as Gore writes some laws that get the Kleiner Perkins green tech fund off the ground, which Gore says is no problemo. I'm gonna tell you again man we should be puttin some money into that KP thing. McNamee says he's going all in. Seriously. Gore says he'll make me Secretary of the Interior. I told him I'd rather hold out for State or Defense cause I've got a plan for rebuilding Iraq but we'll see. Anyway, man, the glaciers are meltin! Another big chunk broke off over the weekend. By 2008 half of New York is gonna be underwater, and me and Al are gonna be running the fookin world. I've never been so happy in my life!

Oy, Zandr, enough already

First came the Razr and the Pebl. Now there's a new Razr. And the Rizr. And the Krzr. What tonedeaf marketing frigtard is thinking up these crappy names? Oh, that's right. The Luzr. Ed, stop it, okay? You're making my head hurt with these farkakte names.

Bohica, redux

So Microsoft lured all these dumbass makers of MP3 players and online music stores into its ecosystem. Now that they've built up the market, Microsoft swoops in with Zune and its own store and they're all frigged, according to this article in CNET. How does this keep happening? After 20 years of date raping every one of its "business partners," Microsoft still manages to lure people into its spiderweb. What is wrong with you guys? You're like the women who date O.J. Simpson. Natch, the CEO of iRiver is quoted saying how Microsoft is going to validate the space and make the market bigger for everyone. Dude, we'll make sure to put that on your tombstone: Here lies iRiver, "validated" by Microsoft, July 2006. Requiescat in pace. Groan.

HP wants to be cool like us

So they create a Web site where lame-ass losers do soccer tricks with their fingers and rolled-up paper balls. Riiiight. Great work there, Satjiv Chahil. And people still wonder why we fired you. HP's snazzy new slogan is "The computer is personal again." I guess because "Our buggy new operating system won't be ready until late next year and we don't have anything new to sell you" doesn't have the same ring to it. Ha! Meow! Wait till you bitches see Leopard!

I don't endorse products

But this is different. This isn't an endorsement. It's a direct order. Go get this product. Immediately. It will change your life. I just finished my second seven-day miracle cleanse and all I can say is, Wow. I want to shout from the rooftops. I want to dance and sing. I want to fly to Thailand and make love to strangers. Andy Grove turned me on to this and I'll admit I was skeptical. I'd seen the skeevy guys on the infomercials. Andy goes, Trust me, okay? Just trust me. Man oh man! To anybody who's attending the WWDC, we're putting coupons in all the registration kits, and I'm begging you: use them. Talk about a bunch of guys who are full of you-know-what, right? Kidding, dudes. I love you. But trust me on this. It will change your life. I am soooo ready for the keynote.

Wow, gas is expensive

So apparently gasoline is selling for like eight bucks a gallon these days, according to Javier, the guy who takes care of our cars. And I was thinking, man, that must be really tough for like people who don't get their cars paid for by their company or whatever. And I wondered if there was maybe something we could do with technology to make that not so bad for people. Like, something with an iMac, or an iPod. So I started mulling it over. And you know what? There isn't. Bummer. Well, sometimes you just gotta know your own limits. Peace out.

Stupidity, thy name is Dobbs

Here's a photo of Lou Dobbs right after he had surgery to remove his brain. Lou, watch out! Mexican homosexuals are pouring into this country to marry each other, have abortions, steal our jobs and burn our flag! We must stop them!

Notice the resemblance?

Just saw this article about some woman who claims to be a descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene and I thought, Whoa! There's another one? Seriously? Do I like have another sister that I didn’t know about? I really want to meet her. I want to ask her, like, when did you first realize that you were different? For me it was very early. Anyway, I’ve got Kali, one of my assistants, tracking this babe down now.

BOHICA (Bend over, here it comes again)

So for years you anti-virus guys been going to these hush-hush meetings at Microsoft and signing NDAs and telling them everything about how your products work. Now – surprise! – Microsoft introduces products that do exactly what your products do, but is charging way less. And you’re all crying, boo-hoo, about how Microsoft tricked you. Wait a minute. Haven’t I seen this movie before? You know, it’s not so much that Gates is a genius, it’s that he’s playing chess against chimps. You guys all get what you deserve. Honestly.

I'm a moron, and I apologize

I engineered the biggest, stupidest merger in all of world history. See my dumb, bovine expression? My idiotic, 80-IQ grin? Yet just a few years ago you all thought I was the biggest genius in the world, and you let me play with billions and billions of your dollars. Now I just want to tell you I'm sorry. Really. I mean it. I’m soooo sorry. I destroyed more shareholder value than Enron and Tyco combined, probably. And I remain a free man. A free, stupid man.

I don't like Indians

No reason, really. I just don't. Never have. Maybe cause in high school I had this Indian boss who was a total dick. Anyhoo. I was totally against the Bangalore customer service center. Got outvoted. But I won in the end. I mean, just look at this crazy mofo. He'd slit your throat for a pack of Chiclets, right? And he was the guy they had running the place. Also, I can't tolerate eating in India anymore. Used to be able to. Now I just smell the stuff and it's like, Here ya go, one extremely bad case of Gandhi's Revenge, coming up. Every time I go there I need to bring along a case of Depends. Not worth it.

Spotted in Utah

Ya know, I don't care what you think of Novell, this just isn't cool. The poor guys are trying. No need to harass their engineers by hanging signs next to their development labs. I'm serious. I mean, I love to compete, and I don't mind a little trash talk. But I'm not down with this. And I sure hope they catch whoever keeps doing it. Say, has anyone seen Gates lately?

Separated at birth?

I mean, put a lame-ass suit and a pair of round glasses on that squirrel and he could be running Google, right? And what is up with Schmidt's haircut? Dude, you're a bazillionaire, and you're going to Supercuts or something. But let's be honest. If God really existed, Eric Schmidt would be managing a McDonald's someplace in the Midwest, teaching a business class at the local community college, volunteering at the Presbyterian church and eating pity casseroles cooked for him by elderly women in his neighborhood. Instead he's Mr. Charisma, living large in California, with Ferraris and jumbo jets and a staff of big-boobed 23-year-old interns who sell their souls for the chance to squeeze his back zits. Seriously, old Squirrel Boy gets laid a lot. And with hotties. Welcome to Silicon Valley, kiddos. Ain't capitalism cool?

Wacky old Sir Richard Branson calls me

And says he's using a satellite phone from up in his friggin balloon at like 14,000 feet, where he is wearing a space suit and just had a massive brainstorm. He says, Mate, we're gonna create a new section on Virgin Atlantic, right behind Upper Class, and call it iPod Class. The whole section is redone in that glossy candy white color like an iPod. The walls, the seat backs, the seat cushions, the carpet, the bathrooms, everything in bloody shiny white, like you're sitting smack inside an iPod. We throw in some fake champagne and cheap sushi and bang up the fare price by 30 percent over coach, or Lower Class as we're now calling it. And you're separated from everyone else by tinted plexiglass walls, so the punters in back can see you, and you can just sit there looking cool and going, Yeah, how jealous are you lot, you'd love to be in here in iPod Class, wouldn't you, as if. Like the message is, Look at me, I'm young, I'm cool, I'm obnoxious and nouveau riche and arriviste, I'm tech savvy, I'm a dotcommer, I own lots of cell phones and PDAs and gadgets, I live in Silicon Valley and wear loafers without socks, I'm better than you, and when I fly ... I fly iPod Class. The chavs and the Irish'll go nuts for it. We'll get David Beckham and his skank wife to do the adverts, or Wayne Rooney.

So I'm like, Wayne Rooney? That senile, constipated old guy from 60 Minutes? He wouldn't recognize a friggin iPod if it came shooting out his butt. Branson's like, What? So I go, Richard, whatever, but like, what's the iPod connection here? Like, will there be a slot in the seatback or the arm rest where you can plug in an iPod? Or maybe some special headphones done up all in white to look like an iPod? And he goes, Well, it's marketing, innit? It's marketing. But I'm like, Yeah but how is some section of an airplane connected to an iPod, ya know? How are they related? Branson's like, Hrm, well, uh, yah, whatever, who knows, but it's marketing innit? Like there's an Upper Class and now there's an iPod Class. And it's all white, like an iPod.

So the truth is I kinda sorta hate this guy cause he made such a big deal out of his stupid Virgin online music store and he was all Mr. Smack Talk about how he was gonna kick the crap out of iTunes -- ya right -- but now he's pretending he's my big "mate" or whatever. Maybe the altitude is friggin up his head and he figures maybe I don't remember what a dickbreath he was on the music store thing. Anyhoo, I push back on him and say I just don't see the synergy and I don't want to dilute the brand and he gets a little PO'd cause as you might have noticed he's got a teensy little ego problem, and he says in this sort of plummy fake upper-class accent, I'm sorry, did you just say "dilute the brand"???? My God I think I'm going to choke on a piece of foie gras. Dilute the brand? Look, I've been in your stores and I've seen these stupid iPod gizmos you sell. You tell me what the hell do they have to do with anything? I mean, the bloody Tivoli iPal? It's a bloody FM radio! Only it's painted white and has a plug for an MP3 player. But I don't hear you bitching about that, Steve. So I'm like, Branson, my bro, cool out, do some yoga, smoke a doob, cut a fart in your space suit or whatever, but sure, go for it, set the controls for the center of the sun. Have the lawyers work it out and just give old Steve a slice of the action. And God bless you, you crazy goat-bearded bleached-hair balloon-flying freak. He says, Bloody right, mate, you won't regret this, and I promise you can break a bottle of fake champagne on the first plane and take the maiden voyage, right alongside the Beckhams, my word as a gentleman. And I'm like, Dude, I don't fly commercial, it gives me hives, I'm allergic to non-vegans, but thanks anyway and good luck. Then I called our lawyers and told them, I don't care if you have to put a bullet in this a-hole's head, but do NOT let this deal happen. Ha!

I'm stressing out

This year's WWDC is a big deal for me, bigger than ever before, for reasons that are hard to explain. It's just that we're soooo on a roll right now, and I want everything to be perfect. It's like, I saw this whole thing in a dream, or in a movie, like ten years ago ... I saw all of this in like a vision and now it's all happening for real, which is just incredible. Anyhoo. I'm stressing out cause I want my presentation and keynote to be perfect and, well, they're not. Not yet anyway. And I know I hold myself to impossibly high standards, but how can I expect the best from others unless I'm demanding the best from myself. Right. And instead, everything is wrong. Like my mock turtlenecks. My regular supplier had its factory wiped out in this like tsunami or whatever that happened recently. So my assistants have been looking around at other brands. We just can't find the right texture. In the rag trade they call it the "hand" of the fabric. I've been doing rehearsals wearing a bunch of different shirts and some are close but they're just not exactly there, ya know? I just don't feel like me. And it takes a toll on my presentation.

The other problem is our rehearsal space. We gutted one of our buildings on the Cupertino campus and built an exact replica of the Moscone Center and hired about fifteen hundred people to sit in the audience and pretend to be Apple developers. (We give them Nembutal to give them that glazed, worshipful look, and we flash lights at them when it's time to cheer wildly.) But anyhoo. The space is close, but not exact. I'm looking out there and I say to Chad, our event producer, this space is not correct. There are too many seats. He says, Steve, here, look, we've got the original blueprints, we've built this exactly to spec. And I'm like, look, it's wrong. So they send an intern up to San Francisco and he counts the seats and sure enough, the second-to-last row has two fewer seats than our model. Turns out the kid talks to the manager at Moscone who tells him that after the place was built they removed two seats in the second-to-last row to widen an aisle. And Chad is like, Steve, seriously, you scare me, dude. Which is cool, the praise and all, but I'm like, Chad, what the frig am I paying you for? Huh? I mean, it's like the Stonehenge scene in Spinal Tap. Chad says, Come on, man, we were ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent correct. And I'm like, You think we would have made the iMac so beautiful if we were 99.99 percent? Think, people. Honestly.

Sneak peek

So I've been wrestling for days with whether I should show this or wait until Aug. 7 which is the original plan. But I'm just too psyched to wait. So. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... the iBall. It's the next phase in our multiproduct rollout with Nike and it's so bitchin you won't believe it. Basically it's a Nike golf ball with a little RF transmitter chip inside. Slice a shot into the woods, no problem, just whip out your video iPod with our new iTracker GPS software and boom, it shows you exactly where the ball is. It's even got this beep feature, faster and higher as you're getting closer, lower and slower as you get "colder." Soooo cool. We've been beta testing it in Japan and the dudes there are just going nuts over it. Better yet, Nike is gonna charge 30 bucks a ball even though the chip only costs a dime. We're gonna charge 40 bucks for iTracker even though it's just this piece of GPL'd code we ripped down from SourceForge, buffed it up a bit, put our name on it, and turned it into a closed-source program. Sweet. This is gonna be huge. Seriously. We've got golf courses lining up to rent video iPods to people as they're going out on the course -- like, here's your cart, and if you want a video iPod you pay 20 bucks extra or whatever. They like it cause it speeds up the game cause these bozos aren't mucking around in the woods for 20 minutes trying to find a stupid ball. Win-win all around. Total game-changer. Literally. This is what I mean about changing the world.

Ray Ozzie. Uh, right.

Don't get me wrong. I like the guy. But the moment I knew that Microsoft was truly doomed was when they announced they were putting Ozzie in charge. Hello, Microsoft? Have you looked at a calendar lately? You do realize that the year is 2006? Now you've got Mr. Lotus Notes who's gonna drag you kicking and screaming into the 1980s. I mean, Notes was a cool product -- in 1985. But do you not realize that your own marketing people have spent the past 10 years telling everyone what a bloated horrible piece of shizzle Notes is? And Groove. Man. Don't get me started. What is it? Who the frig knows? Oh, the CIA uses it to track bad guys. Great. There's a good reference customer for you. The guys who a) don't talk to the press; and b) have basically frigged up everything they've touched in the past 5 years. Microsoft, you need someone more evil in charge. Like Charles Wang of CA. I'm pretty sure he's not going to jail.

One more thing re: Microshizzle

I mentioned in my previous post that Gates has been trying to poach away our OS X programmers. This started a few years ago, I guess when they first realized that Vista was in trouble. Natch our guys just laughed when they got the calls. I mean, they're working in heaven. You think they're gonna go shovel pigshit in Redmond? Plus, uh, even with backdating, you might have noticed that Microsoft options aren't exactly the road to wealth anymore. But anyhoo. Gates kept trying. You gotta hand that to him, he's a persistent little frigger. So finally I said, What the hell, let's frig with these guys. So we let two of our guys go to Microsoft, just to find out what's going on. We made a big deal like we didn't want them to go, threatened to sue Microsoft, just to make it look real. But secretly we kept them on our payroll and told them, Just stay there for a year or whatever and find out what they're doing. So they report back and tell us that Gates sat them down on day one and told them he wanted them to steal our IP from OS X and put it into Vista cause they know Vista is never gonna work, it's too tangled up, too complicated, whatever. So they go, Sure, Bill, we'll gladly steal from Apple and give all of its code to you, sure, whatever. But instead they go in there and start planting friggin bombs everywhere. I mean these are really smart guys and the poor clueless Microsoft dudes can't figure out what's going wrong with their stupid OS and why it keeps crashing. And whenever they ask, Our guys go, Hey, that's Unix, that's how it's supposed to work, you gotta break some eggs to make an omelet or whatever. Ha! Brilliant!

Then, like two months ago, or whenever they announced that Vista is gonna slip into 2007 -- and believe me, we're talking waaaaay into 2007 -- I set up a meeting with Gates and I'm like, Dude, I've got OS X working on an Intel processor. Why don't you just drop this piece of crap Vista code base and just roll over to OS X? Forget the OS business and move up the stack into ERP apps or whatever. I mean, I've got it right here, Unix based, solid as a friggin rock, nice user interface, all wrapped up with a bow on it, I've even ported it to Intel for you, I mean what more do I have to do? It's like I'm teetering next to you at the bar in my miniskirt and high heels and opening one button after another on my blouse and telling you, Dude, I am soooooo wasted, let's go to your place and take some Roofies -- and you just don't friggin get it! I mean, you've got thousands of drones slaving away trying to make a knock-off of my operating system! Why? I'll friggin give it to you, okay? Or not quite give but you know. The dollars can work themselves out, as my friend Michael Ovitz (who totally loves our new MacBook Pro) likes to say. Gates just sat there rocking back and forth in his chair and then said in this really low voice that he was gonna stick to Windows. I thought maybe he was gonna cry. Because it was clear that he knew how frigged he is. I mean, he's seen the code. He knows it won't run. I swear, I felt almost sorry for him. Almost.

Gates just called me

So this is supposed to be confidential but whatever. Bill has screwed everyone who ever got close to him, and on top of that he's been secretly trying to poach away our OS X programmers for the past 2 years. So what do I owe him? Nothing. Anyway, turdface called me last night after Microsoft put out its lame financials which beat the Street but only because the Street already knows how badly Microsoft sucks ass these days. The whole Wintel ecosystem is getting blowed up. Dell had to warn the Street this morning. Intel is getting hammered. And everyone knows this is Microsoft's fault for screwing the pooch on Vista. Apparently Michael Smell himself called Billy Boy last night and chewed his ass but good. And you know what? You think this is bad? Q3 and Q4 are gonna look like downtown Beirut compared to this. These morons have nothing to sell.

So here's the gig. Gates says to me, How'd you like to come run Microsft? This Ozzie thing ain't working out. Ozzie can't stand Ballmer, and to be honest, who can? The guy sits in his office bellowing about how he doesn't need this shit, he can go retire tomorrow and sit on his ass counting his money for the rest of his life, blah blah. Basically, he's about to get canned, and he knows it. I thought Ozzie could step in but it's obvious now that he can't run this place. He's a nice guy and all. But he's a doofball. You need a Saddam Hussein type, someone who can rule through fear. So how about it, he says. I'm like, Dude, I'm flattered, but I've already got two jobs. And maybe you haven't noticed this, but I think your products suck. But hey, have you called John Sculley? I heard he's looking for a job.

Subgenius award

So now that we've totally blown out our numbers, the parasites on Wall Street think Apple is a good investment again, according to this story. Gee whiz. Ya think so? Like, we're only the hottest tech company in the world. And aren't you big Wall Street dickheads supposed to figure out things like this before they happen? Not after? Whatever.

Some ideas just don't click

So Steve Spielberg called me. Apparently there is this totally huge war like raging in Israel and Lebanon right now, but of course the American media isn't covering it at all, they'd rather report on Britney Spears putting her baby in the microwave or whatever. But it's totally serious and totally bad, and Steve tells me he's got this idea for a Dreamworks-Pixar animated movie about two boys, one Israeli and the other Palestinian. Sort of Schindler's List meets Aladdin using that funky humanoid Polterganimation in Polar Express. Elton John is gonna write the songs. So I'm like, Okay, so will there be any talking fish? Talking cars? Some superheroes? Spielberg gets kinda sniffy and says, Look, I'm talking about serious cinema verite type animation. And I'm like, Dude, don't start tossing out the Latin words just cause you know I didn't go to college. He says it's French, and I'm like, Wait, you're gonna make an animated movie in French? Are you kidding? Does Elton John even speak French? I mean, Hello! Is this really Steven Spielberg on the phone? Is this the guy who made E.T. and Poltergeist? Are you turning into Francis Ford Crapola or something? Because if that's the case, why not pull a Mel Gibson and do the whole movie in ancient Aramaic, or Maori, or that click-click language from Africa. Or Palestinian. Thing about Spielberg is, he's a cool guy and very brilliant and everything, but he tends to cop a huge tude with anyone who doesn't just agree with his vision 100 percent and do whatever he says. But I'm like, Dude, maybe I didn't go to film school but I know what sells, right? I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it? So here's my idea. Instead of two boys we make it a boy and a girl, and we bump the age up a bit, like make them teenagers, so we can get a love story going, and we draw the girl really inappropriately hot, like Pocahontas, and we put her in tight outfits or whatever, so we widen our audience and get some middle-aged dudes in the theater, not just kids. And we cross-promote by having the characters wear iPods and we get a tie-in with Burger King to make falafels with a movie theme wrapper. Spielberg just sits there not talking like he's all in a huff. Then he makes this big theatrical sigh and says, Okay, maybe we'll talk later or something, and I'm like, Whatever, dude, you're the one who called me, remember? So, like, good luck with your cartoon movie in Latin or whatever.

Thanks for your support

Just want to let you all know that I am reading the comments, and appreciate your feedback. I can't always respond to everyone individually but I want to thank you anyway. As for the product features, I can't promise we'll be able to accommodate every request, but I'm passing all of your ideas on to our product development people, and we'll give it our best shot. Meanwhile I'm really discovering what a great and valuable feedback mechanism this blog can be for our product teams. I was a little skeptical at first but now I must admit I'm enjoying this "naked conversation" with our customers, as that Scooby Doo guy from Microsoft calls it. Peace out--

Check's in the mail, Time

Great article in Time about our new iPod jogging thing with Nike. Exactly as we wrote it and sent it to them, not a word changed. Nice. Guess we'll keep advertising with them after all. I love how desperate all the print books are now. You can get them to do anything.

Sizzle fo shizzle

Wow. Will ya look at these friggin financials! Sales up 24%, net profit up 48%. And our EPS is 10 cents above what those imbeciles on Wall Street were predicting. Gosh. We are sooo friggin hot right now. We're like the Michael Jordan of business. Nothing but net. Hey, Michael Dell, how you guys doing down there in Buttfriggerville? Huh? What's that? I can't hear you. Watchoo say, boy? Sales up 6%, net down 18%? Well, sorry to hear that, wall-eye. Hey, maybe you guys should try to actually invent something. Like, hire engineers and actually design a product. Or maybe not. Maybe just leave that invention stuff to us. Ha! We R 2cool2Btru!!!!! I am going to run out to the JobsMobile and do donuts in the parking lot!!! Then I am going to kiss Peter Oppenheimer on the mouth!!!! Later losers!!! I am so cool!!!!

Dude, you make it too easy

So every once in a while, usually when I've smoked a little too much weed and I'm feeling kind of malicious, I like to crank call old Agent Sculley and just frig with his head. I'll call him at like 3 in the morning and ask him if he's got Prince Albert in a can, or I'll tell him I'm a telemarketer raising money for the Unemployed CEO Foundation, or I'll do the one where I pretend I work for the phone company and I'm down at the end of his street and please don't pick up the phone cause if you do I'll get shocked, then I call back and when he picks up I scream like I'm being shocked and I go, "Ow! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Bzzzzzt! Bzzzzzt! Hey! I told you not to pick up the phoooooone!!! G-g-g-g-g-g ... aaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!"

But last week I outdid myself. I called him in the evening, right after dinner. I was totally baked but whatever. I asked him if he wanted to come in and talk to us about running Apple again. "Like, dude, I know we've had our differences, but I'm so busy with the Pixar and Disney stuff, I can't do both jobs, I'm burning out, blah blah, so we really need you, I'm begging you, please, why don't you just come in and talk to the board, just hear what we have to say." The poor suffering idiot hasn't had a real job since we tossed him out in 1993 and so of course he falls for it and comes bounding in yesterday morning, all dressed up in his snazzy suit for his big comeback moment, like he's probably been up all night jizzing all over himself just thinking about being CEO of Apple again -- only when he gets to reception they tell him that nobody is expecting him, there's no board meeting, and they totally pretend that they've never heard of him, don't recognize his name, and they tell him I'm not even on the campus, I'm in China or something, even though really I'm up in the Jobs Pod with Jon Ive and we're just like totally watching the whole thing and laughing our asses off. Ha! You been punked, bitch! He totally knew it too and for a long time he just stared up at the security camera giving me the finger. Then he stomped out, looking like he was going to cry. We switched to the camera feed from the parking lot and saw him slumped in his Mercedes for like ten minutes, just staring out into space. Priceless.

Leak this, you motherfriggers

Our "marked fiver" plan is working perfectly. Check out the big "scoops" that the shizzlehead "Nick DePlume" (aka Nick DeJagoff) at ThinkSecret ran today. First about us renting movies (er, right, as if) and then about a new iPod nano. This guy just prints anything, doesn't he? Man oh man. My fave is this one where he claims he is separating fact from fiction. Whatever, loser. Anyhoo, just to keep everyone in the loop, yes, we know exactly which traitors at Apple leaked these bogus rumors. We were very careful to do only one rumor per person. And we really went all out. We printed up fake marketing brochures, fake spec sheets, fake little plastic machines. We made it all look so real. By end of day today, right after we blow out our numbers on our earnings report, we'll have each one of these bastards strapped to his very own Marathon Man dentist chair. And hey, leakers, if you're thinking about sneaking out of the building, fuggedaboutit. Maybe you noticed those swarthy Israeli-looking dudes with sunglasses and earbuds standing at every doorway on your way in this morning? We're serious about this, okay? Do you people realize who you're dealing with? I'm Steve Jobs, bitch. I invented the friggin iPod, okay? Have you heard of it? I also spent two years in the Israeli Defense Forces, as a commando. Lot of people don't know that. Now will someone please get me a friggin herbal tea, at exactly 165 degrees? Thank you.

Woz, seriously, get a grip

Man, sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit that I know this guy. Like, when I watched this really uncomfortable video of my former "partner" playing Segway polo. Groan. Woz, let me ask you: When was the last time you kissed a girl? Or pushed back from the table without having seconds? And now it's come to this. You're playing Segway polo and wearing those goofy-ass sunglasses with the MP3 player built into the stem. And hitting passersby with errant shots. Dude, you need to do something with your life. Give money to the Gates Foundation. Buy a friggin yacht like Larry Ellison. Hell, man, go work on global warming with Bono and Susan Sarandon or whatever. Sheesh.